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[FynalSlash]

I came here with such high hopes for this place, that I'd finally found some Voluntaryist community of active people working together for something that I could plug into. I was excited. I haven't really had much to be excited about in a while. I still remember and think about those early moments that couldn't have even been 3 months ago. Jonin's generosity. The intelligent conversations I had with Sav. Lots of smart and principled people. It was great.. despite the server having a learning curve. It seemed to be a supportive place. A good place to make some connection. Because I came realizing I need one. That no one is going to share memes and talk their way to a better world. And you have to actually organize with other like minded people.

I did too much stupid shit, I guess. I thought hand punching lynnch like twice would not be that big of a deal. I thought, we're friends. He'll see I have no armor or weapon and am just doing it to surprise him. They'll laugh and maybe kill me once for it, and that'll be that. I was wrong. And as I began to see the adversarial angry knee-jerk clique driven side of this place, I honestly felt pretty disappointed. Heartbroken would not be an over-expression. I was in the wrong to do it. Whatever. I don't really care to argue that. I'm a bad-evil-manipulative-douchebag-asshole-violent-obnoxious-bully and whatever else you wanna say then. Just try to listen if you can.

I started to feel a bit sour about how my hopes had gone. I put expectations on people I had no right to. And out of that, I lashed out and only made it worse. And for that, I was in the wrong. Probably at that point, I should've just left. I wanted to see care, some effort to understand, to see that this place at least wasn't like that... There's threads where I've literally said that I just needed to talk to someone, and that all I was asking for was some understanding, some less hostility.. and when I felt like nothing was going to be done about the people and actions, I figured fuck it then. It wasn't a rational thought like "this will be constructive". It was more like "This is me showing them I won't just take it since all constructive efforts have failed."

After that shitstorm, I rallied some hope. I stayed because I thought.. through tenacity, standing on principle, sticking to it through all this then.. never lashing out.. That was the problem. So not doing that, showing I care enough to endure this to make it better and will do whatever it takes, that's what will finally reach them. I feel like I haven't really been able to reason with anyone though. Whenever I try to explain myself it's ... you've seen the boards. You've seen how that's gone. I'm done being heartbroken about it. Probably it's just too much in the minds of those who have already made their decision. There's no reset button. Can't take it back. And that's that.

Can't really interact with any new people who come in, because being new they either won't know how to use the chat system or won't want to talk to someone they don't know. Can't really take part in the community discussions as they happen. If I try to start discussion here.. it goes like this. I know someone, most likely Commander, is going to say "You're just trying to garner sympathy," and no shit. I am. Understanding is what I've been asking for. Friendship and a Voluntaryist community is what I came here for. And all the hateful anger and continuing hunt for some fault to find with me.. whatever. I can handle that. But when it starts leading to arguments in my own home, with my own wife, about how she doesn't like seeing what this place does to me and why am I still bothering with these people ... that gets harder and harder to explain as things don't get better over time like I thought they were going to. And inevitably, I'll probably have to do what Sav and Jonin and whoever else wants and just fuck off to somewhere else to find what I've been looking for.

I think the only reason I'm still here at this point is each day I get up, check it, and keep thinking there will be some message, today will be the day of some acknowledgement, "Alright it's been this long. We can see your effort. We can see you're doing your best. Good improvement." Some extended hand. Not a fucking gold star and a cookie for common decency, but just some reciprocation. Just for it to get better just a bit. Maybe I do have some friends here. If so, please message me if you'd like to stay in contact. To everyone, I guess the only other thing to say is I'm sorry for any trouble or upset I caused. I don't care so much about MineCraft blocks as I care about you guys. You guys, the principles espoused here being the reason I came, and the reason I stayed for as long as I did through all I did. I shouldn't have made you have to deal with my shit. But I think saying sorry is all I can really do. There don't seem to be any efforts that make a difference.